I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
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You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
finally found a reasonable question
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”