Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
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It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”