I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
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Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.