Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
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Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
“How’s your day going?”
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match