First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
You Might Also Like
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Are you a cat person or a person person?