Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
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My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
#growingpains
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
All excellent questions
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.