My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
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How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
My dog after a walk in the woods.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
I have no passwords left in me
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)