I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
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When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff