[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
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” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
“The Perfect Relationship”
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.