The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
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Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Childbirth is so beautiful
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day