last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
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“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living