Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
You Might Also Like
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
No way!
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.