ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
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I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
I am yelling
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd