Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
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A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.