You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
You Might Also Like
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken