(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
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The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
And then there were 4
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him