[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
You Might Also Like
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?