[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
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Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb