16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
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Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting