wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
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i smell a pulitzer
inventing words: clothing
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.