Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
You Might Also Like
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm