friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
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me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*