CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
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“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.