I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
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I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
😅😅😅
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing