“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
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My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety