My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
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An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
This kid will have a bright future.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Me, in DM rooms…
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
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