“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
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[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.