Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
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“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Social Media and Real life
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.