“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
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A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
want me to check your oil?
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
How dude HOW?!
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.