Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
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My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
omg leave her alone
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not