When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
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[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!