Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
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Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Best spoiler warning ever
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
I hate when that happens.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down