My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
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SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.