On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
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[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Me :
All Day At Night
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra