A wise man once said nothing.
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Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.