I am, perchance
You Might Also Like
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
This one’s “Alex”.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases