I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
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I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Ovenable?
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.