I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
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“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier