“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
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[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context