Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
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[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Always a metermaid never a meter
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
This fish is cracking me up
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*