The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
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I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Note to self: I am a note
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
The devil.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
This was the best day of my life