I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
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Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right