Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Sing it!
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it