9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
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An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft