I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
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Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries