What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
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My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs