[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
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Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week