Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
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Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
🦝🔥🦝🔥
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm