Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
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[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.