I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
You Might Also Like
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
How I like cutting carbs
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Lmfaoooooo
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display